Keeping Watch

My sophomore year in nursing started out with a chapel organized by the nursing profs at IWU. Teresa Smith did a devotion on the scripture of Christ in Gesthemene. He was requesting his closest friends to keep watch with him... stay awake, pray, be attentive, but please, just keep watch with me... I can't exactly recall her reflections, but that talk slowly awakened something within me that I came to know as one of my mercy gifts - keeping watch with those who are suffering. Over my nursing career I've had the privilege of being in the presence of those who are about to pass into the next life; The challenge is learning how to quiet myself, and allowing the emptiness/uselessness that I feel to be filled with the Spirit of Jesus. I never would've thought that this would be the area of life in which I felt the most used by God. In nursing school I wanted to rescue people or die trying. I wanted ER, trauma flight, high-octane experiences. My philosophy was that God was indeed the ultimate giver and taker of life, so no matter how many machines we applied to a patient, when it was their time to go they'd go. It didn't take long before I saw that machines, while good in many ways, stripped away the moments that letting go and honoring the patient's wishes provided. I didn't really keep watch during those days. I kept busy.

After carrying a caseload of oncology patients in Boston, I began to learn how to be present with a person who was dying without panicking. How sometimes there are no answers. How sometimes there is nothing else that can be done. How to respect silences. How to listen. How to beat back the need to talk about myself. How to get out of the way and be Christ's presence.

I still love working in the ICU. I love trying to turn the tide in a patient's favor and give them another chance. But now my gut knows when the end is near, and I find great satisfaction in helping both the patient and their loved ones find meaning and memories during the watch. It's a sacred time.

My dear friend, Jean, lost her 2-1/2 year battle with pancreatic cancer Saturday evening. Jean was a life-long model to me. Jean was also my mother's best friend. Jean made time for me to come and visit the last time I was home, and readily opened her heart to me when I asked, "What have you been learning? What has God shown you?" She touched many with her honesty and wit. She blessed her family by intentionally investing in them during the 2-1/2 year watch. She was surrounded by friends and family when she left behind her earthly shell and passed into eternity. I believe that, though it was a bitter battle at the end, Jesus was honored by those who kept watch with her. Jesus was present in those who kept watch with her. And now God will be present to her family by blessing them with another line of watchkeepers. Godspeed, Jean.