"With delivery before me and pregnancy behind..."

...I press on towards the goal!! Almost 33 weeks along, with a big, busy belly. This baby feels the most active of the three. Most of the time I still feel it's a boy in there, but then again, I was consistently wrong with the other two. I delivered a week early with Izak, labor precipitated by my water breaking. With Liberty's pregnancy I was dilated to three and 80% effaced at my 36 week visit. My midwife laughingly said, "I guess I'll see you this weekend." But labor pains, 5-8 minutes apart, only came for a few hours every night, and would disappear when I fell asleep. At 37 weeks I was 4 cm and ready, but no baby! (How do you know the difference between false labor and real labor? Real labor ends with a baby in your arms!) The midwives shook their heads, not sure how I was still hanging in there, but every night labor would come and go. At the end of 37 weeks I was actually at 5 and so ready to go. Libby came at week 38, her labor so furious and fast I was stunned for a day or two. This third baby... well, I think it will be earlier still. Braxton-Hicks are a frequent part of my days, sometimes being so intense that I have to stop and catch my breath. SO, so tight! But then it's off and running again, since there's no rest with two little ones, especially since Izak decided to crawl out of his crib for naptime yesterday. A first.

I need to start pulling out my boxes and going through what I have and what I need to get. I donated a bunch of things to a friend in Buffalo who was in need, thinking that I was done with babies. She had a little boy. But I think I can salvage some things from Libby's early stuff... and what do you really need, other than Onesies, for the first few months? If this child is as big as I think it will be, then I should be able to use 6-month outfits soon enough. First baby 8# 8oz, second 8# 14oz, my guess is it will clear the 9# marker.

I need to start assembling the Call List for labor, which feels very overwhelming to me. I wish my mom were a given to be here, but she's 6-hours away, caring for elderly MIL and my handicapped sister. She's miraculously been at the other children's births, don't ask me how, but this one doesn't have a good feel to it. Heck, she could get mostly here but be stuck in Chicago traffic for three hours. Oh well, God knows, God knows.... I keep telling myself that. This is a time in which I feel very courageous for the actual labor, but so frightened for the kids and what will happen with them. They're so little, and though I know they'll survive, I worry how it will roll out. Will it be a sudden onset? Will there be lots of time to arrange and communicate? How will this impact Matt? His roll is so different now, and I know he's planning accordingly, but there's only so much you can do before the wait begins. I feel as if we're already in "the wait."

Exhaustion is a daunting reality from day to day, but I rest in the comfort of knowing how awesome I feel after the baby's out. I never feel more weak, vulnerable, and tapped out than when I'm pregnant. After birth it's as if I've been brought back from the dead, a kind of resurrection I suppose. How will it work with three, three and under? Not sure, but the encouraging word that I've been receiving is that two to three is not as big of an adjustment as one to two. If you have experienced otherwise, please keep it to yourself. I have to have hope at this point.

There is a narrowing that I experience towards the end of my pregnancy, as if the walls were closing in and I am being pushed into a corner. It is a place where I am very, very alone, about to embark on an adventure in which no one can really come to my aid. Labor is an alone place, and I find myself already making that mental shift. It's different than being lonely, that's a state of being in which you can be surrounded by thousands, but connect with no one. Being alone is a reality. Other than God and the new life about to emerge, no one can go to the place of labor with me. My husband, who is amazing in delivery, can only come so close, he still stands at a distance in a sense. He is watching and coaching me from afar. I can see him and hear him, but I can't go to him. Matt has been my hero in the delivery room, and after birthing two children I know and love him in ways I never imagined possible... . He protects me and "keeps watch" while I work very, very hard to let labor have it's way with me. He makes the process safe by his presence. He won't let anyone distract me. He is my guard. One more time, Matt.

So 3 weeks could be a week 36 delivery, 5 weeks could be the 38 week delivery... we'll see. It's a secret only God knows, and He ain't tellin! :)