WAIT! Good grief, Lord! What IS this? Tuesday evening and Wednesday were looking great as far as having the baby. Good contractions, they even started to fall into a nice pattern on our way to the OB office. If the baby drops any lower it's going to be in one of my legs. The exam showed that I'd made good progress, actually 1 cm more than I had hoped, head down. The doc "stirred things up" a little, and by the time we drove down the road a mile for lunch, I thought I'd drop the baby in the Olive Garden. Very intense stuff. I called Mom, told her things looked favorable (She came out on the train the next day), called my inner circle of pregnancy friends and told them things looked like they would be done soon. And then the signs began to fade into nothingness. I had a silent night, got great sleep, and awoke ready for the show. Thursday morning had a few highlights, but then it settled down. I thought maybe subconsciously I was waiting for my mom to come. Her train arrived at 1:53p. And the rest of the day remained quiet. Late Thursday night after Mom and the kids were in bed, Matt and I went for a long, wonderful walk. We got home about midnight, and I "lost something" and had quite a "show". From 1-2a Friday morning I had great contractions 9 minutes apart... and then nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing!!!! In the morning I went in for a labor check with the same doc who had seen me Wednesday. Exam essentially unchanged. She offered to admit me, but said that I may just end up going home if things didn't progress - and that's really unacceptable to me. So home we came. This time I had absolutely no activity as a result of the exam. Nothing to report. Nothing to do but wait... it's either got to be mind-numbing contractions or my water breaking that will prove I've made the leap to real labor.
Why, Lord? Why did Wednesday look SO good and then everything stopped? I was the most sure I've ever been that that was real labor, but it ceased. So here I sit with my mom while the minutes tick away. She's having a great time with the kids, and is such a huge help. No one knows me as well as Mom. But we look at each other as if to say, where's this baby!?!? The caregivers back in Michigan are getting a real run for their money by 97 year-old Grandma, who has a propensity to misbehave while Mom's gone. She's very fragile and child-like... and stubborn. So Mom bears the stress of that end of things too.
I've done everything I know to do. To be very honest, I don't think the wait has anything to do with "doing the right thing." I think it's just about the wait. I've always been control-challenged, and waiting room experiences really bring that out in me. Instead of relaxing, I become more insistent about peddling my agenda. There's a desperation I feel now, an inability to be happy with the current settings. I struggle with a view of God as an irritated father, one that mocks me as I struggle in limbo. I always find it interesting that I'm so opposed to stillness. In the absence of direction I want to go forward. In the absence of progress I want to make things happen, even if it's the wrong thing. In the absence of hearing God's voice I turn up the sound so that I'll at least hear something. And while I'm being lured gently into the desert by the One who loves me, where I've spent a majority of the last three and a half years, I drag my feet and whine to go back to what I know. Essentially less of Him, and more of myself.
Jesus, help me cherish the wait. Give me your peace. Solder my feet that I will not run from your presence, and may that alone be more than enough.
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4 comments:
funny, i just had a talk with a friend today about how pregnacy and giving birth are great lessons in how God is in control. Good to know you are in His hands, but that helpless feeling isn't much fun. so excited for you and can't wait to hear the news when it comes! (get Matt to post on your blog if you are couch-ridden - ha)
I understand!
(You may know this.) I was quite 'late' with my daughter and experiencing a great deal of anxiety (even prior to her official 'due date')...UNTIL my earthly father reminded me that my Heavenly Father already knew the appointed time to bring forth my baby from my womb, as well as all the details of the birth to come. While I was still increasingly uncomfortable physically, my anxiety ceased that day and I was able to wait in peace (yes, I still wondered each day if this would be 'it').
And God was truly in control with every detail.
Praying for your peace and His perfect timing.
Just have you in my prayers!
So I searched Matt's and your blogs for news before I called you the other night. I have been thinking of this entry since. Going to 41 weeks and 1 day, I know about waiting.
I also realized how much my 2 mos, old has taught and will teach me about waiting and the value of stillness. I need to sit in my rocker and nurse him until he's done. I need to wait. I can only look at the closet across the room that needs to be cleaned out so it's organized and I can find the curtain rod parts that are missing. He needs to be held while the dishes and supper wait. When I'm going somewhere I have to account for having to nurse before or leave or needing to stop half way to comfort him to end the hysteria.
What a change from the days of getting things done around the house--my only excuse for not being laziness or long days at the office. The days of go, go, go.... Certainly there are things to be learned from this time.
And soon he won't be teaching me to sit still but to respond quickly as he , right??
So, that's what your blog entry dug up for me.
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