Pressure

The end of pregnancy brings one word to mind:

~ pressure in my lower back and belly so strong that some days I think I'll about split. Libby did this dance for two weeks. I know it can take awhile...

~ pressure to have the baby when it will be most convenient for the help that's involved. After this week is up, there's no telling when my mom will be able to come out to help. We haven't seen her since May, before that, January. The running joke with Matt is always "Don't have it on this date, I have a meeting," or "After service on Sunday would be fine." He's always joking, but I do take to heart his schedule and it's demands. My batting average has been pretty good the last two time, avoiding the opening weekend of our new worship center, and a massive men's conference that Matt was involved in.

~ pressure created by high and low weather systems that move through the area. Rainstorms bring on the false labor like you wouldn't believe. My water broke with Izak during an October storm. There's a big front coming through tomorrow...

~ pressure to not say (or even entertain) half of what I think

~ pressure to keep on routine with my children when some days I'd just like to quit and go away

~ pressure to remember "control issues" and submit to God's plan, not mine

~ pressure to remind God that my plan makes a whole lot more sense

~ pressure to keep a stiff upper lip when, each day, I think about my girlfriends back in Buffalo and remember that this time will stretch my dependence on God... great... pressure AND stretching...

~ pressure to not cry... much

~ pressure to learn and change because of what I've learned, not merely whine about what the problems are

~ pressure to reach out

So for me, it's hard to avoid pressure at the end of pregnancy. It strikes at the very heart of my "wanting things just so." I marvel at the thought that God, and only God knows the exact moment when this baby will be born. He knows the lessons that He wants me to pull from this time. He knows where this particular path leads. It's easy for me to look back and say with a small degree of confidence, "If this had never happened to me, I can see what I might have become...", but there is no way to say, "And in the future I can imagine that these events will lead to...". It's a good thing to learn to relax in the knowledge that God is the only one in the future, and there's absolutely no pressure in that.