Bonding

I remember worrying that I would not have a good bond with my first born. The pregnancy had been so tough, the mental shift into mothering was harder yet. I was doing what the Lord had told me, yes, but I didn't have the warm, fuzzy feelings that everyone else seemed to. I told precious few people about it. But there were several individuals that picked up on my struggle and eased my mind. One woman, a leader of women at WCH, had three boys. She sat with me for a long time one afternoon. She had asked the right question and brought me to the jumping point... "If people really knew how I felt, they'd vote me off Motherhood Island!" She shared very directly with me regarding her experience. I knew, leaving that conversation, that I had someone who really understood and was praying.

The way I often explained it was that some moms run into the transformation of motherhood head-long, excited, arms extended, ready to go! I sort of backed into the new role, carefully feeling behind me, no outright abandonment, just cautious calculation. And the truth is, neither is right or wrong. Neither one makes you a better mom once you have given birth and take the bundle 'o joy home with you. Does bonding come? You bet. I remember the first day that I pulled the little sleeping boy up next to me and whispered, "I love you, Izak." It jolted me, I was hilariously embarrassed, but I knew the bond had come. A gift from God. And within a few days I reflected to Matt that I would run through fire for that baby, give my very life if I had to to save him, and wasn't that strange.... LOL.

My heart went to my daughter sooner. We share something even more common than Izak and I do. XX. And it was a very powerful bond. It felt like I understood her at a cellular level. Her cries had words, and her movement told me everything that I needed to know about her little life. We will share the same experiences in the future, female issues, the female mind. I was prepared for the sisterhood of women because I came from all girls. And even now I think, When you are a mom I will tell you about (abc), and when you are pregnant I will be sure to(xyz).

All of my babies were wanted. I knew God laid each one on my heart. Once there was one, of course there would be two. And once God said three, I looked forward to the days when I could get the gauntlet going. The day I saw two pink lines I felt a funny closeness awaken in my heart. "There you are." Kind of like I could see a little portion of the new life right there on that stick. I hid the test so I could surprise Matt a little later, but I forgot where I put it (pregnancy brain). That night I spent twenty minutes looking for it because I just wanted to see the baby again. I thought, I miss you, and I just want to reassure myself by seeing you again. Just looking at the lines on the stick was my connection.

Now my belly is starting to bow out, and I can feel things beginning to firm up inside. Someday I will look very "prosperous," as an older friend of mine put it. In the midst of it I'm able to share with moms-to-be that some of us back into motherhood, and sometimes we do pregnancy in the midst of struggle, but God always shows up in the end with the greatest gift ever... a fierce love for our children.