Staring at Panic

So we were up all night. 12:30A TO 5:00A. That's pretty much all night in my book. Matt came home at 11:30p from his board meeting up in the city, I was just drifting off, the babies were asleep... and then all hell broke loose. Libby woke with a need to feed and then I heard Izzy starting to sob. He was running a big fever after his afternoon nap, I knew he needed to get to the doctor's today, was just trying to buy some time with Tylenol. After I got Lib down I took him a loaded bottle of milk with more Tylenol, he was burning up. I just kept thinking, "Hang in a few more hours, Buddy." He drank the bottle (good), was quiet for a few minutes(good), but then I heard this funny sound (bad) and a few minutes later he started to sob again (really bad). I opened the door and could smell the vomit, which covered his bedding and jammies and head and hands... ewwww. Thank God I'm not pregnant because that would've been the end. I got Matt up to just help hold the boy while I stripped him and rushed Blankie to the washer for an emergency washing at 1:30A. Got more Tylenol in him, Matt was able to not joing the chuck wagon even though the boy stunk. Good. Got Blankie at least clean (and quite damp), got Izzy back to bed and he was quiet. Good, very good. Then Libby started up. It was seamless really, fine coordination between the two. I pulled her, knowing she didn't need to eat, but with all the rucous she was bright-eyed, smiling, charming. Bad. And then she melted. Very, very, very bad. It was far worse than her former colic days. She screamed until I thought she'd come out of her skin, or die trying, for 2 hours. Two hours! Thankfully Matt was functioning really well and he hugged and snuggled his girl for part of the time, and I tried for the remaining periods. At 5A everything was finally quiet, I collapsed on the couch, Matt was cashed in the bed (Poor guy has to speak tonight). I was just glad that I didn't see the sun start to rise. It always makes me cry when I've been up all night and the sun rises, it feels sooo hopeless. At 7:30A Libby was chirping in the other room, smiling, cooing (where did that other baby go?!?), so I rolled out the family and we headed to the doctor's office at 8:30A. Ear infections for everybody, antibiotics all around.

I thought that would be the end of my crisis. Well... I've gone and done something really, really stupid. I took Izak's one-time dose of Zithromycin and mixed it in his bottle, which he generally drinks without a problem. Well, no go. He refused, took it and threw it out of his crib. So I thought, I'll just dillute the dose into two bottles, one before the nap and one after. Still NO GO. Now I'm thinking I've gone a wasted time and money. I need to get these babies healthy by Saturday b/c we're going to Chicago to visit some friends, flying and everything! Auuuugh!!! So I'm in a panic. I'm working on getting him another dose, it may cost me another $25 and, worst of all, another 24 hours. I should've just hog-tied him and forced it down, a maneuver that I'm getting pretty good at. But sleep deprivation clouded my judgement and I blinked! !*@#$%^!!! I SCREWED UP! If there are any prayer people out there, please, please pray for my back-up plan.

On top of it all I'm preoccupied with several HUGE issues, some of which are my girlfriend's breast cancer (lymph nodes were positive after all) and upcoming chemo, our best friend's dad went in for gallstones two days ago and they found a mass on his kidney, looks to be cancer, my other girlfriend's struggling marriage. Some not-so-huge issues- my babies are sick, one won't take his meds, I have to pack and run errands to get ready for the trip, try to find time to eat and sleep, haven't balanced my checkbook in a week, can't remember if I paid the hospital bill, need to call people about Izak's birthday party before it's too late, and the list spirals on. Overwhelmed at the moment. Staring panic down eyeball-to-eyeball. Feeling a little forgotten by God, that somehow I must have slipped off His radar. This all seems much harder than it should be.

Yet I continue to find solace in His word. Lat night I sat down and wrote out the verse that has become so meaningful to me, again and again.

"Can a mother forget a baby at her breast, and have no compassion for the child she has borne? Thought she may forget, I will never forget you. See? I have engraved you on the palms of my hands, your walls are ever before me." Is. 49:15, 16