Answers

The house is so cozy, smells like homemade chicken soup. The babies are going on their third hour of naps, so I thought I'd try to write down a little something during my reprieve.

One of my favorite pastors, Rev. C.L. Adams from St. Paul in Marion,IN once said that God has 4 ways of answering our prayers ~ 1) yes, 2) no, 3) wait, and 4) you have got to be kidding!?! I wonder what God is thinking about some of the questions I have been putting to Him lately. I am puzzled by some of the answers I think I've seen unfold.

Here I am with two beautiful babies, who were, for the most part, nowhere on my life radar. I sit in my living room, breastfeeding, chasing, lugging around the two little bundles of flesh that came from my very body. My girlfriend sits in her living room, desperately wanting children, has miscarried four times, was diagnosed with breast cancer, had to remove her breast, is receiving chemo that makes her feel two seconds away from death, cannot use her left arm to carry or lug due to the changes after her surgery. The irony chokes me.

Why did God chose this as the answer for her? Granted, it may not be the ultimate answer, but why, when the prayers were for healing, was the answer "no"?

As I look at our financial situation I feel like there's so much that needs to be done with the extra paycheck (wa-hoo for extras now and then!). I feel unsure about what to do with it in order to make the most impact. If I just knew the future I would be able to dole it out better. If I just knew the future... and He says,"Wait. Do the best you can and wait."

I don't mean to exasperate God. Sometimes I withhold my heart from Him because I'm afraid that one of these times He's gonna absolutely fly off the handle and scream at me. And then I might feel very small. But consistently, whenever I've been totally honest, especially about the littlest things, I sense His pleasure. And I know He wants to answer me. Sometimes the answer is what I'm most afraid of.

I'm mentally overworked lately. Got a lot on my plate to figure. A lot of unknowns. Trying very hard to stay in the present and embrace the reality of each moment and not stress out about what's ahead. Searching desperately for answers, and gingerly putting one foot in front of the other. Don't get out too far in front of me, Lord. Don't leave me behind. And He says with a wry grin, Girl, you have GOT to be kidding."