I Wanna Work!

Well, today was my greatly anticipated first-day-back to work. A new hospital (Loyola University Medical Center), a new state, a new situation (staffing agency - kinda like substitute teaching for nurses), a new computer charting system. I rose and shone (?) at 4:30 a.m., and just before I left the house ... 4:59... the phone rang. "Sorry, Heidi, but Loyola cancelled you today." Aahhh! What a major disappointment! Matt had slept on the couch to give me a sound night's rest since we're all fighting colds. He heard the phone ring and knew it was either a cancellation, or my Grandma (97) made her worldly departure. Choice number one.

I went back to bed and stewed. Man, was I mad! I needed this day out for more than simply money. My nurse's heart is aching for action. My sedentary brain is longing for complex conversation that doesn't involve noodles, pee-pee on the potty, or one-sided safety talks. I want to know if I know what I used to know: how to hang drips, how to start IV's, how to assist a physician during procedure, how to detect impending doom.

I keep calling the phase after baby number three "the beginning of the beginning - again." Everyone's born, everyone's growing. The only thing slowing me down is the limitations of the children, not my physical fatigue from pregnancy, so I shoulder alot more. I feel strong and sharp. I can see my way to organize, prioritize. I know that my primary job is being the SAHM, which I love, not because I've always dreamed of this, but because I'm fulfilling a calling and see God in it all around me. This is the most valuable of times. I treat my days with the seriouness that I would any other job. I don't take my time with the kids lightly. I don't look for distraction for myself (since I'm pretty introverted) or sit idly by; I focus on being present to the kids, teaching, playing, observing. Each night I think, Did I look each child directly in their eyes and communicate their value in a way they understood? Did I cuddle each one? Did I kiss each one without worrying about the time of day? Did I give my best? I think it takes deliberate choices to engage the kids and not focus on myself.

That being said, I also believe that I need to work a little bit outside the home. Matt is my greatest champion to that end. He doesn't try to harness my energy by re-directing my focus home, he synergizes my efforts in helping me seek the right kind of nursing job for this phase. Granted, there are only a few days a month that I can work that will not totally throw off the rythym of the household - a few Saturdays, maybe some Sunday evenings, but not Mondays. Mondays are about the only sacred space that we have. They're deemed "Family Days," and we protect them fiercely. However, working Saturdays impacts Matt because he generally works at the office for 6 hours, and then later after we (kids and I) go to bed in the evening. But he's willing to reallocate those hours elsewhere in the week to help me get the release that I need in my career. Honey, I love you, and am grateful for the way you're encouraging me.

So, for Pete's sake, don't call me off! The scheduler is looking to see if there's anything available this evening. I'm hopeful. Even if it's just for four hours (though the drive is an hour in itself), I'd like to get my foot in the door. This could be the start of my working pattern for years to come. I look forward to my orientation at Northwestern University Medical Center, too. The more orientations I've completed, the more facilities I can chose to work in. I'll begin to accumulate skills, experiences, information, and relationships that will solidify my nursing path. No more foreseeable long absences from ICU or oncology (I've been out for 9 months with the move and pregnancy). It's time to jump in and stay in the pool!

I feel like it's my first day of school, but the bus didn't pick me up. If not today, then hopefully next Saturday.