Hit Hard

This blog needs to be cathartic because I'm a mess today. Yesterday sitting in church I was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness. It was so powerful that I started to cry. Strange, since I've had a few times of grown-up interaction this week. I went to a neighbor's Mary Kay party and had a great time meeting more people in my neighborhood. Yesterday afternoon I spent 2 hours at women's ministry thing at church with about 15 other ladies. You'd think it would have abated, but no. This morning is rough because, though I gave Matt the go-ahead a week ago, he has to be at church working on a time-sensitive project this morning... thus interrupting Family Day... thus leaving a lonely wife at home crying. Not to mention morning to noon is such a brutal time with the little ones on top of pregnancy, and I do 6 out of 7 mornings alone. I look forward to the company for one morning, though I thought I'd be okay without it. I guess not. I didn't anticipate the overwhelming loneliness. I am not in gracious spirits, but don't want to frustrate an already bad day by exasperating the husband. Sometimes "the ministry" is disruptive, and in general he keeps it to a minimum, so it's not his fault. And it's not my fault either. It just is.

I want to go home, but I'm not really sure where that is anymore. Life has gone on without us back in Hamburg, the house is sold, painted and redecorated. Life has some sort of rhythm here, but the walls are white, there's no artwork up, and I still have a hard time remembering my phone number. Homeless at moments, sometimes very lost, and then sometimes suddenly found. It's hard to explain. In general I can override these moments, but today's an exception.

Issues carry a different weight here too. I used to be aware of things going on at Hamburg but not have to carry them because Matt was an assistant pastor, and I was one of seven assistant wives. Here I'm the "first lady" (Matt's words, not mine). I'm constantly thinking about when to speak and when to hold my tongue. I consciously balance knowing in general the issues that NW faces, but not becoming bogged down by them. And though issues are generally not personal, as the wife of the leader it takes a boatload of discipline not to make things personal as they relate to my husband's career/life calling. But that's part of protecting my home from the invasion of the job. Most of the time I do well. Days like today I feel my limits, my shortcomings, my vulnerability. And I have to proverbially throw myself on the mercy of the court. That stinks.

The kids are well. Libby is handling her night wakings like a champ. I've stopped going in, so she generally turns the times around pretty quickly and sleeps again. Last night I heard her partying at 1 a.m. - it sounded like so much fun I wanted to go in, but curled up in the guest room to make sure she turned the corner. Izak woke up on the wrong side of the crib today, but has adjusted his attitude with a little help from Mom. Right now he's upstairs playing. It's strangely quiet... I should go check. Here's to tomorrow being better. When the nights are bleak I always remember Mom quoting the Psalm, "Sorrow lasts the night, but joy comes in the morning." I wonder if there's a scripture that says, "Hey, yesterday and today may be flushed down the toilet, but there's always tomorrow!"