Welcoming 3 A.M.

Someone recently commented that they didn't know how I could blog in the midst of bringing a newborn into the house and chasing the 21 month-old. Well, I'm not sure either, but it gives me a chance to have some grown up thoughts that lead somewhere. And don't worry, I only blog when everyone's asleep.

I had a funny experience the other day when I was watching Sadaam Hussein (sp?) on TV. The commentators were reporting on his behavior, his changing moods, how he went from reserved to a little bit crazy, and I thought, "Poor Sadaam. Of course you're a little off your rocker! You're sleep deprived too. I know how that feels, but you've been deprived since Christmas!" And for a brief moment I had pity on the poor man. (Note: Overall I think he's evil, and not at all a poor little old man, but for the sake of the blog, give me some slack...)

The opportunity to get up in the middle of the night definiely pushes my natural ability to function. But it's amazing what kinds of thought come at 3 A.M.. The other night I found myself staring at Libby, making sure she was asleep. I was about 6 inches from her face b/c I'm legally blind, and I forgot to put on my glasses when the initial milk cry rang out. The phrase in Psalms, "I think of you through the watches of the night, I think of you through the watches of the night" kept echoing through my mind. And then I realized the beauty of those night moments. The ablility to recall the tiniest bits and phrases of comfort found in memorized scripture is a real gift.

I have one of those memories, it's been called photographic, though I don't believe it is entirely true. I love to memorize things (especially strings of numbers). But the ablilty to recall scripture was something I learned early in parochial school. Memory was a class that you received an actual grade for. We worked on scriptures, song lyrics, and creeds. Some people are able to put away entire books of the Bible at a time. I love taking the occasional verse that speaks to me, whether because of it's profoundity or it's poetic beauty, and squirrel it away in my mind.

A verse that I've been absolutely savoring for about a year now is I Thess. 4:11, 12 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." There aren't a lot of ways you can argue about it's meaning, are there? It has been helpful in managing the affairs of my home, and not fussing about how much I'm supposedly missing out on as a stay-at-home mom.

And then there's the Psalm "I wait for the Lord, my sould waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." I am guessing that sincere waiting for the Lord brings with it a sense of deep longing, because during those sleepless hours I really wait for the morning! And I long for the day when I will sleep throught the night again, (sadly) even at the expense of those precious times of recalling gems of scripture in the night. They are bittersweet. Bitter in that my body cries out under the weight of it's frailty, but sweet because He watches over my sleeping daughter along with me, and I sense His presence.

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Thought she may forget, I will never forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands, your face is ever before me." Is 49:15, 16