Friday, September 25, 2009

Thoughts






Hello, old friend. Ah, the blog. I've neglected you for almost a year. Awhile back I joined Facebook, which has been a great venue for updating on family happenings and the occasional thought. But I have found, especially over this last year, that I have a great deal of trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings. In the back of my head there's a little voice that says, "No one really cares how you're doing, just as long as you're there for them, and help them in their need." It speaks to the higher value placed on doing vs. being. An old curse I've battled from a young age. Growing up as the younger sister of a handicapped child, I struggled expressing inner turmoil to people because I was always aware that there are others worse off than me. There is always a family with a more handicapped child, less food, more trials, less money, etc. And from a very young age I learned how to invalidate myself. Even if I feel bad, my main response to people when they ask me how I am is, "I'm fine. How are you." Which is technically true, I am fine. I'm standing here talking to you. I'm not dead or sick in bed. The situation could be worse! But inside I can be heartbroken. Worried. Angry. It's a hard habit to break. Because I've learned to be a good listener and how to be solicitous, I often times get people talking and sharing. I have a compassionate side. People feel cared for. But inside I'm not really sure people want to know how I'm doing.

That's why Facebook has been good and bad. I feel safer putting out there, "Hey, I'm having a crappy day." And there are generally kind, encouraging responses. I was hurt when sitting with a group of non-Facebook/blog people who were critiquing FB. They referred to it as "virtual friendships." The people on FB are my friends. At widely varying levels. But the interactions are real, often sharing my real life in real time, without the month or two lag that we have before we get a chance to sit and catch up. (Often times, I'm the one sitting there, listening to you catch me up.) But blogging has always forced me to formulate and present complete thoughts of my very own. Good and bad. I am vulnerable in a deeper sense. I expose my heart without waiting to be asked. Yes, it's a carefully edited version , but it's a start.

So, if you want to know what's happening with me, meet me on FB. If you want to know what I think and feel, meet me here. And to my anti-computer communicating friends, writing and FBing is very much a real expression of a person. It's just a much more practical venue for those of us who aren't sure anyone really wants to know anyway. :)

4 comments:

Pam said...

I so resonated with your comments regarding blogging and FB. I've become an active Facebooker and have pretty much dropped my blog for many of the same reasons you cited. I like the quickness of response to my short and explicit need or emotion of the moment on Facebook, and I have found for a variety of reasons the blog world does not do the same thing for me. Bottom line is what you shared . . . I hesitate to think people really care what I have to say on my blog, so I don't blog.

All that to say that I have asked you to be my friend on Facebook and look forward to continuing to keep up with your darling family that way. : ) So glad I kept you in my feed reader and saw your new blog post, Heidi. Have a great weekend!

Donnetta said...

Still here and on FB. :-) Hoping you know and believe I am ALWAYS interested in YOU and what you have to say, are thinking and feeling. {HUGS} dear one!

kris said...

I started and dropped facebook 4times mainly bc I have issues with letting too many people know too much about me crazy, I know but I am glad your are back to blogging.It is so nice to feel as if I had a visit with you back here in Hamburg,ny.Miss ya Heidi

justpassingby said...

Heidi! I've missed you! Remember me? LOL... Back when my #3 was born... way back in 2004... Your kiddos are so big now! such cuties!

Would love to hook up wit you on FB... like you, I'm hooked... and yes, I totally understand what you mean...

take care... if you don't mind being my FB friend, you can find me under the email of dorieme at ya hoo dot com.... :)