Awkward Silence

Ah, Jeannie, thank you. Yes, I'm still here. This past 30-some days has been a whirlwind. I'm a schedule-lightweight, so when things approach mild to moderate levels of chaos, I cut blogging. Truth be told, with the little ones pecking me to death like a pack of ducklings, I pretty much stop thinking coherent thoughts all together.

I struggle to articulate myself. This is hard, this mothering of three little ones. Many days I'm exhausted, wondering how I'll survive tomorrow. I flirt with the "Dear God, what have I done?!?!" thoughts lately. And the universe doesn't need another whiny blog, so I clam up. If we were in person you might not be getting much more than a blank stare either. Nothing witty. Nothing encouraging. I feel poured out.

I struggle with loneliness. Two of my closest friends are back in Buffalo. One has a newborn, the other will deliver within a month. And I'm here. I know they felt this way when Levi was born in Illinois. It just makes me sad. I'm working to connect myself with women. I'm not fast, but I'm very deliberate. (Points for intentionality.)

After Levi's dedication he was tested for allergies at Children's Hospital. Nagging eczema on the hands and face. Sure enough, he's allergic to dairy and egg. He was exclusively nursing (because it was easiest, and I suspected he might have some allergies), so since I'm unable to accommodate all the dietary changes for myself, I weaned him to a soy formula. His skin cleared up, but the process was rather fast. I don't feel well, probably some hormone stuff, but a little sad because it's over. We also just returned from a 10-day trip to West Michigan and Buffalo. 2,000 miles on the minivan. The kids were stellar. It was NOT easy, but the good (which was plentiful) outweighed the difficult (which was also plentiful). I'm still processing what being back in Buffalo meant to me, but remember the beginning of this blog... no complete thoughts to myself...

It's late. I hope to have time in the future. I feel bad that I have little to contribute, but know that I'm lurking in your worlds when I have a spare second.

In small group tonight we shared what people have said or done lately to encourage us... Last night I took care of a very, very sick woman in an ICU. She had two teenage/college age kids who I spent some extra time with, talking, getting to know them. Their dad, an awesome man, wandered out to the nurse's station before he left. "I wanted you to know that my kids approve of you." "Thank you! That means a lot." "And they said you look like Neve Campbell, whoever that is. Do you know her?" I blushed, "Yes, she's a very pretty actress. Thank you." And this wrung-out, slightly melancholy, weaning mother of three sat up a little bit taller. A good word goes a long ways, doesn't it?

Peace. I'll be back.